Holy Moly

Janurary 9, 2003

I was bored today.

I was at work, so I should not have been bored, but I was. Perhaps this says something about my work ethic. Although to be fair, the project managers gave me what was supposed to have about 60 hours of work to do this week that only took me about 20, so I could only stretch it out so far... you know?

But anyway, I typed to my wife (the lovely and talented Tracy Shepard for those of you who do not know) via AOL Instant Messenger, and asked what she wanted for her birthday. You see, I usually wait so long to get gifts for my wife, that I never really feel I reach the full potential of getting her something wonderful and special. I figure if I start almost 7 months in advance, I may be able to improve upon the whole gift experience for her.
"Holy moly I don't know.", my wife typed back. Of course what she meant was "Oh my gosh.. my birthday is 7 months away. I don't know what I want for my birthday.

There is something wrong with my brain. I knew what she meant, of course. In fact when I typed the question, this was almost exactly the response I expected. However, my brain took "Holy moly I don't know" and transformed it to "I would like some moly, please. I would like it to be holy... if that is not too much trouble." I've heard the expression "Holy moly" hundreds or thousands of times, but had no idea what "moly" was. So, because there is something wrong with me, I went to dictionary.com to look up "moly". I expected there to be nothing of real interest, but to my surprise, it turns out that moly is "A magic herb with black roots and white flowers that was given to Odysseus by Hermes to ward off the spells of Circe."

Aha! The Odyssey! The extended adventurous voyage Odysseus took to get home from the Trojan War!

Well, now, this was something I thought I could work with. Tracy says she wants moly, I will find a way to get her some moly. Of course, she would prefer Holy moly, but lets worry about finding the moly first and if it is not holy, we will worry about that when the time comes. Maybe all moly is holy... that may be what makes it magic. Or maybe, I can take the non-holy moly to a priest and ask him to bless it. Or maybe, holiness is in the eye of the beholder. Or maybe... I don't know, go ask your pop.

Somehow, I will find and obtain some moly so that I may give my wife what she wants. The Odyssey says that mortal men dare not harvest the herb, but I have not died yet, so for all I know, I am immortal and that might not even be a concern. And besides, a little danger is nothing compared to the happiness of my wonderful wife. If she wants some moly, somehow, someway, I will find some moly.

So, how does a beautiful woman's husband go about finding moly? Apparently, Penelope's husband was fortuitous enough to be given some by the herald of the king of the gods. But I don't think I can count of Hermes just showing up and just handing it over. Zeus does not like me that much.

So as a review of High-School Freshman English, In the Odyssey, Circe was some sort of witch or sorceress or goddess or some such thing that was able to turn Odysseus's men into swine (pigs for those of you who don't know). On his way to get his men back from the witch or sorceress or goddess, Hermes showed up (I am not sure if Hermes showed up because Zeus told him to or Athena asked him to or if he just did it on his own) and warned him what Circe's intentions were. Heremes then pulled the moly up from the ground and gave it to Odysseus, telling him that it would protect him from the witchery. And it did. It really really did protect him. Not only did he get his men back, but I think he got sex from Circe and he and his men got to party for many months with dancing servants (who probably stripped and had sex with the men) and much food and alcohol.

So, moly is obviously a wonderful plant. It is no wonder my wife wants some. Maybe she wants holy moly because the non-holy moly causes husbands to have sex with other women, but lets stay focused.. .ok?
Apparently, Hermes got the moly on Circe's island, Aeaea, which is off the West Coast of Italy, not real far South of Rome. At least, according to one map that I found on the Internet, this is where it is. Different maps show it differently, but this map in particular was the closest match to what the world actually looks like today. So, I used MapQuest to look at the general area that the Odyssey map said Aeaea was located and here are the modern day names of the islands in that area: Ponza, Ventotene, Zannone, and Palmarola. Pretty good that I was able to narrow it down to 4, huh? But while researching those islands, I came across indications that lots of people think this island is Monte Circeo, another island half-way between Rome and Napels (which is about the area I was looking in.. it must be too small for mapquest... actually, it appears that it might actually now be attached to the main land). Anyway, if I am ever in Rome or Naples, I will certainly visit Monte Circeo in search of moly.

Anyway, It is amazing how many tangents you end up following in search of moly on the internet. One of those tangents caused me to discover a plant whose scientific name is "Allium Moly". WOW! Allium Moly's common name is "Flowering Onion". I am almost certain that "Flowering Onion" is easier to track down than the magic black herb with black roots and white flowers. I might even be able to track down Allium Moly in Home Depot. However, this brings us back to the "holy" part of "holy moly". I am now convinced that just regular moly is this flowering onion, but the "holy" moly is the magic herb that mortals dare not harvest. The magic is what makes it "Holy". Wow I am really smart (no wonder we say "go ask your pop"). Actually, GardenWeb's HortiPlex Plant Database refers to this plant as "described in The Odyssey as an herb with milk-white flowers and a black root, however in reality its flowers are yellow", but while I agree the two plants are probably related, I think the "holy" moly is different from this common yellow flowered plant.

Now, some additional common names for Allium Moly are: keltasipuli, lily leek, and golden garlic. Apparently, its origin is from the Mediterranean. It tolerates environmental extremes well. It is cultivated, toxic, and has medicinal and culinary uses (seems sort of odd that if it is toxic, it has culinary uses). Apparently, it repels insects and moles. The plant prefers light (sandy) and medium (loamy) soils and requires well-drained soil. The plant prefers acid, neutral and basic (alkaline) soils. It cannot grow in the shade. It requires dry or moist soil and can tolerate drought (might be good for Colorado... don't you think?)

The only place I found to buy these was ebay! Weird.